|slow going, this stuff.|
Later I had a very difficult conversation with a person I love very much. I can only semi-accurately report my own side of it, knowing full well we are all "dirty little projectors" as Jung said. But my experience was of two people trying very hard and still really misunderstanding each other. We persevered, stumblingly, wanting to hear each other and wanting to be heard. I can't speak for the other, but I know my gut instinct was to get the hell out of there. And my heart instinct was to keep at it, keep at it. The two battled it out to an unglorious stall. It is so hard to be truly vulnerable to another human. We want to bluster, or hide, or do anything to protect fragile feeling Ego from pain. It takes guts to keep showing up and showing our wounds.
|Zeige Deine Wunde|
The desire to self-protect, even at risk of isolation, is within my awareness. So I fight it. Clumsily, but with Wise Mind knowledge that love crowds out fear in the end, and some kind of faith that it's worth the exposure.
As I thought about this tonight, Daniel Johnston's song, and his story, ran over and over through my mind. I thought about how brave he had been to put his heart out there when his head was so messy. When I saw him on Austin City limits, it felt clear how both hard and wonderful it was for him to come out and sing to that crowd. (Read more of his story here). And I realized I didn't want to let the sun go down on my grievances.
I did some work I'd been neglecting because it was painful and took energy I didn't feel I could spare. It wasn't enjoyable, but neglecting it hadn't been either, and tackling it was more energizing than I imagined. There's more work to do, always, but my heart feels clearer for now.
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